Self portrait ...

I've been wrestling with this post for two damned days.

With Mother's day coming up, a lot of us here in the blogosphere have been doing some introspection. Pondering the raising of children, how well we're doing, how we're influencing our kids - particularly our daughters - and for those of us trying to conceive/adopt, well, there's all that.

Y'know being a woman is hard. Sometimes it really blows (obvious naughty references aside) and it's so easy to get bogged down in your own narrow view of your own narrow life.

I think that's why I love reading blogs and blogging. I'm not a social person. I don't have friends per se. I don't really require them, I'm content with a houseful of small people, an Evil Genius Husband, and my geese (ok, and the rest of the barnyard), along with an occasional trip to the Wal Mart.

But I genuinely and sincerely adore the ladies whose blogs I read. Maybe I DO require friends and they are them. I don't know, but I get so much from reading. I feel like I'm part of something. I feel like I have people I can ask if I have a question - who won't pull their punches if they answer. I feel like I learn something. Every day.

And here's what I learned over the past few days: I learned that I will never instill in my own daughters a good body image if I constantly reveal my own bad one. They will never learn self-confidence if they see my lack thereof. It is not enough for me to reassure my girls that they are beautiful no matter what size or shape they are (in direct contrast to the way it was for me) or of value no matter what they choose to do. I must overcome those deadening experiences from my life: the disapproval, the disappointment, the comments ("you have such a pretty face", "When are you going back to school?", "if you were in better shape you'd ... feel better") that stripped me of my self-confidence and sense of worth and have some love (or at least some tolerance) for myself.

Now, at this point in the post I've been trying over and over to write about how I've been inspired by Sherry and Michele and since I missed Self Portrait Tuesday I'd do a Self Portrait Thursday (now Friday) and list 10 things Good about me.

That quickly became five things. Then I realized that I can't honestly say five good things about myself.

Talk about introspection.

There's nothing physical to offer. I have nice hair. That's it. I'm not remarkable in any way. I'm pretty good in an emergency. I can make do with almost nothing. I can even live that way (and have).

I'd love to confidently type: "I'm a great mom" but I'm not so sure about that. In fact, when it comes to my daughters I'm frustrated and bewildered and the oldest is only three.

I lie awake at night worrying that I'm doing a really crap job.

So for those of you moms who have the strength to throw off the wet, heavy cloak of guilt and uncertainty, I am in awe. Rock on. I'll be here by the wall, watching, and hopefully learning.