Cathartic vent #308 - Baby names

I’m fascinated with baby names. Not just because I’m perpetually pregnant but also because I find it interesting (and telling) what women choose to name their children (or allow their children to be named). Naming kids is important. It's not about YOU. And it's not about naming a baby. It's about choosing a name that a person can live with his whole life.

My children have odd names. But their names have history, we chose them for a reason, not to define ourselves or make a statement or because we saw them in a baby book and thought they were cute.

So, with that said, on with the rant!

Vent #1: Trendy or popular names with some freakish spellyng (Kennideigh Lygne Grayse) to make it 'more unique'.

Notes to masses: 1) there are no degrees of uniqueness! You can't be more unique, less unique or kind of unique. You either are or you're not. You. Are. Not.
2) In a classroom or a doctor's waiting room little Kennideigh will still be called 'Kennedy' along with, oh, twelve others.

Vent #2: “My husband’s name is Mark Anthony Dikhed IV and he wants to name our son Mark Anthony Dikhed V, what should I do?”

First thought? Ask him how he plans on carrying and having this supposed clone of himself. I mean, how egotistical can one human be? The moms-of-Juniors-and-Treys will say: “I want to honour my husbands name.” Uhm, is the child not getting HIS last name? Will your son not be a Dikhed? Is that not honouring the father enough?

Your child is an entirely new human being. Exactly half of his genetic make-up came from someone other than his father. Give him his own name. If daddy is a pushy, insistant bastard then give the baby daddy’s first name as a middle name. Geez.

Vent #3: "I love the name Reece (or any other name that's in the public domain) what do you think?" and 15 people post and go “OMG, no! I immediately think of candy!!

Uhm, so?

What, do you have some pathological aversion to Reeses cups? What’s the big deal? Were you involved in a freak accident with some Reeses Pieces as a child? The company was named after the founder who’s name was – brace yourself - H.B. Reese. Where’s the bad association there? It’s not like someone said “I love my Volvo so I’m gonna a name my baby girl Volva” THAT would be a problem.

Vent #4: “He names all the boys and I name all the girls”.

Howcome?

Clearly, because I have a vagina, I’m unable to fully grasp the importance and solemnity of naming a son and so must leave it up to a man to do? This is right up there with: “My husband will make the descision about circumcising our son ‘cause he has a penis and I don’t”

Makes no sense! This is MY baby. I made him. From scratch (and a half a strand of DNA). I carried him, birthed him, fed him, wiped his various orifices, taught him to read, to say thank you, to use the toilet. I will participate in ALL decisions on his behalf until university do us part. This is my job.

(Can you tell that this one really makes my arse clench?)


A very wise and funny lady expresses my frustration a good deal better than I ever could: Diana Goodman on her website www.notwithoutmyhandbag.com :

Here's an example of her wit. Excruciatingly stupid post gleaned by her from a bulletin board, and her comment:

"my hubby got on a kick of the names rhyming, believing we would have no more. lol, we are due in nov! so, i am in a tight place. my dd is kaesyn paige,(jason w/ a "k"), and my son is richard brycin (goes by mn).
if this bb is a girl, her name will be adecyn shai (addison shay)...
i need a name w/ the "sin" sound, not the spelling! lol! i am not fond of jaxon, but my dh likes aryxon (erikson) and i am fond of tycen. ... "

"New naming rule: If in typing the name out you have to follow it immediately with another version in parentheses, because otherwise no one would have the slightest clue this was supposed to be a name and not Klingon for "Wax my forehead, supple wench," this is a bad, bad, woah bad bad name."

(does it make anyone else itch that the names this twinkie suggest DON'T rhyme?)

This is from her website's FAQ - a hysterical must-read:

(rules for naming babies)

"- Generally avoid nouns. You're asking for trouble.
- Do a Google search for your name ideas. If all you get are porn sites, white supremicist groups and pictures of My Little Ponies - it's a bad name.
- Look at lists of the most popular baby names for the last three years. Steer clear of the top 10, and definitely steer clear of any names that suddenly jump from #150 to #25.
- No celebrity names. Your kids will immediately hate this celebrity, and be horribly embarassed forever.
- If you like a common name, but don't like how it's spelled, tough. Either use the usual spelling, or find a new name. Andrywe is NOT a name.
- Most Americans are assimilated cultural mutts, without much connection to their ancestry. If you want to reconnect with your heritage, go to the library. Do not name your kid Bronwyn and think you are now in touch with your 1/16 Welsh side.
- A stupid sounding name is still a stupid sounding name even if its meaning is "beloved queen" or something else nice.
- Do not name your kid with elementary school bullies in mind. If it isn't incredibly obvious (Gaylord, Fartoff), they're going to get that little bit teased like the rest of us were, and there's nothing you can do about it.
- Try these on for size: "Thank you, Mr. Chairman. I'd like to introduce you to the new CEO of MultiGlobal Corp., [blank blank]" or "Also on the presidential panel is MIT's chief biochemical researcher, Dr. [blank blank].
- Assuming your child will live to age 70, s/he will spend 16% of their life as a child, 10% of their life as teenagers and 14% as senior citizens. The remaining 60% of their lives they will be adults. Plan accordingly.

I worry a lot of people have kids either a) because you're "supposed to," b) they seek unconditional love, making them more pet owners than parents, or c) they seek the ultimate middle-class status accessory, making them more consumers than parents.
Notice how the girls get the weirdest names - some people are more interested in playing with dolls than raising future adults.”

Yeah ... what she said!

(note: all quotes from the website www.notwithoutmyhandbag.com are reproduced exactly and are copyright Diana Goodman)