Wednesday, November 29, 2006

A little tale of DOH!

Did I ever tell you how I got started selling t-shirts for women?

It stemmed from the intense frustration I experienced as a pregnant woman. See, (and anyone who has been pregnant already knows this and has experienced it first hand) it seems that fecundity causes mass idiocy in people who come within speaking distance.

People - and I mean ANY people, total strangers, co-workers, friends, family, mothers-in-law ... will say the stupidest, most hurtful, and least helpful things to a pregnant woman*.

Folks invade your personal space, give you unwanted, unsolicited, and oftimes bizarre advice, tell you what sex you're having, ask you how much weight you've gained (or comment rudely), lambast you for the names you've chosen, and more.

I was just in the latter position. I was asked what we're naming Fiver. Well, he'll be named after Chuck Yeager, the pilot. General Yeager is a hero of mine. The Dumbelina to whom I was speaking asked me: "So what are you naming him?"

I said "[Firstname] Yeager. We'll call him Yeager. It's after--"

"Like JAGERMEISTER?!" she shrieks.

Jane, you ignorant slut.

I stared at her for a second as one stares at a cockroach in one's toilet, just before flushing, then snapped, "No, like Chuck Yeager. Do you know who Chuck Yeager is?"

Poor thing. I think that besides being a complete waste of carbon molecules, she's never heard of Chuck Yeager. She's not some moronic 18 year old either. She's a moronic 40 year old.

Anyway, so I decided that everyone, even the meek and timid, needed the oppertunity to have a snappy reply. Thus my Tees With Tude were born.

I think I know now why the female is the one who gets to be the mommy. (Aside from the whole having-a-uterus thing.) It's because only we are capapble of handling raging hormones and complete effing dolts without killing people and blowing stuff up.

My next big money-making scheme is a camp where moms and moms-to-be can come and use assault rifles and dangerous explosives, break glass and destroy stuff with bats and iron pipes, then get a good nights sleep and go back home.

I'd be a freakin' millionaire.

* let it be noted that normal pregnancy of a singleton is NOT a requirement. Folks will also insult, harague, and belittle infertiles, moms of multiples, moms adopting, large families ... I could keep going and going.

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posted by MrsEvilGenius @ 2:29 pm   8 comments


At 6:34 pm, Anonymous VegaVixen said...

Gee, do I have to get pregnant to attend that camp?

At 8:23 am, Blogger macboudica said...

So true: mass idiocy. And I too am wondering if I have to be pregnant to participate in the camp?

Which reminds me of another stupid question I am always asked because of our largish family : "Are you done having kids? (in a tone that says your family is already freakishly huge)" As if it is anyone's business.

At 1:02 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey, when I was 18, I knew who Chuck Yeager was... Maybe because my daddy's last name is Yeager...

I always got the... "LIKE THE DRINK?"

As if Jagermeister isn't the most disgusting drink on the FREAKING planet?


At 4:12 pm, Anonymous queenmommy911 said...

Oh, I am *so* with you on this post!

Just this week, I have had several people ask, "When are you due?" (which is annoying enough) and respond to my answer with, "I don't think you're going to make it that long." (Yep, I'm a big ol' cow and I *so* appreciate total strangers pointing it out...gggrrrr...) Then there are the bank tellers and WM freezer stockers who openly gawked at my family and whispered and pointed while we could still SEE them.

If I had to choose, I guess I prefer the ones who have the huevos to declare their rudeness outright instead of the whisper-&-point adolescent approach. Grow up, people, and learn to count without using your fingers, geez!

At 6:02 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ooo Ooo Ooo!!! I know who Gen. Chuck Yeager is! And I even got to meet him once upon a time. :)

Shoot, I've driven over a bridge named for him and studied under a huge oil painting of him.

He's awesome and from West Virginia. The airport in Charleston is named for him. There's a scholarship/honors program at Marshall University named for him (and that's where I met him). Ironic then that lack of a college degree was the one thing that kept him out of the running to be an astronaut.

Idiots. Anyway- he's awesome and I love the name. :)


At 12:56 pm, Blogger Zach & Brie's Mom said...

I know who Chuck Yeager is from the time when I can't wrestle the remote from Garrett when he has the TV glued on the Discovery Wings/Military channel.

The favorite thing I used to say to my husband after my first was born was, "Just because I have boobs doesn't mean I know why the baby is crying." He had no comeback for that.

At 2:13 pm, Blogger Mrs.Chili said...

Can I just say here that I LOVE that you quoted SNL. WE say "Jane, you ignorant slut" all the time around the Chili house, and when we're out in public, people have no freaking clue what we're talking about. Is it THAT obscure a reference?

And you're right about the camp making you into a millionaire. Call me when it opens - I'm totally making a reservation.

At 8:34 am, Anonymous VegaVixen said...

That's not such an obscure reference. Along the same lines, when people are staring at you while you're trying to nurse discreetly, do you ever feel like just ripping your blouse open, and yellin' at 'em to take a look, like JC did on Weekend Update?


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