Out of the mouths of babes, my ass

… literally.

Alternate title: “Gee, thanks for bringing that to my attention ...”

As is the case with all of mine, my youngest, Bitty Girl, lolled around until about 10 months before deigning to try crawling then *BAM!* , up on hands and knees (day one), attempting to scale the steps out of the family room (day 2).

My first, Boy, did this with talking. He spoke only 5 or 6 words up until 23 months even though he signed well and clearly understood complex sentences. We were innundated with dire diagnoses (none from actual doctors, just random idiots) and urgings that we should get his speech evaluated and put him in Early Intervention. We ignored the ASSvice and by age 2 (one month later) he spoke in short sentences.

Tall Girl did this with walking. Crawled like pro, got anywhere and everywhere, went up and down steps with absolute fearlessness, would not attempt to walk. Then one day, apparently fed up with our long long hallway between the family room and the dining room, got up and toddled down it.

Because mine all manifest this strange developmental belch with most things, we go through these periods of Baby Outrage. They wanna do it all and they wanna do it RIGHT DAMN NOW and heaven help the universe if they should fail.

So there’s Bitty Girl, brand new tooth-stubs clenched, assaulting the steps: Yeah, I was a plump, pink, sedentary lump a week ago but I shall be free wheelin’ today! It’s clobberin’ time!

*THUD!*

“Waaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!”

And thus she fell flat on her back.

And, I who was watching this attempted ascent with a mixture of trepidation and resignation, lept up and mother-henned over to her, clucking and flapping, scooping her up planting kisses on her angry but unhurt bald head.

I had sat down on the footstool to do all this comforting and had just gotten her calmed down when, from behind me, chirped the authoritative voice of Boy:

“Momma … your bum is FAT!”

Well, golly, sweetie, thanks for pointing that out in a time of crisis!

Sometimes I wish he still only had 5 words.