Code name: Whisky Tango

I hate my neighbour.

Now before you think to yourselves (too late) : "Geez what a misanthropic cuss is Blue", lemme explain.

I live waaaay out in the country. I can only see one of my neighbours houses. I love it.

No one comes down out dirt road except for the postman, the UPS guy, and two dozen or so freaking idiots from the local trailer park who can't read a speed limit sign on their way to the bait shop/beer stop down the road.

So I was trimming my shrubs one day last year and was startled when this person walked up the road, shoving a stroller over the gravelly surface. She had very very bad teeth, worse hair, barely understandable english, and a cigarette hanging out of her face. This was Wal Mart Weirdo material here.

She struck up a conversation despite my trying very hard to ignore her.

Turns out she was married to the son of the person who owns the land accross the road, a pastoral meadow with a pond. You can damn well guarentee that the old man's carcass won't be cold before that gorgeous pasture is sold off to developers and I get wall-to-wall $400,000 homes, SUVs, and loud teenagers opposite my 120 year old Victorian and an untimely death to my quiet road.

I thought I had discouraged her, but apparently there's nothing good on Oprah right now because the other day she walked 50 feet onto my property, past two big Beware of Dogs signs, to let her now two-year-old "see the doggies". The doggies in question - my guard dogs - were hurling themselves at the fence, the child, the woman, and barking themselves into a frenzy.

I was very proud of myself for not pointing out the obvious 1) that she was trespassing, and 2) that she's a bloody idiot. What sort of person allows her child to toddle up to a fence with angry dogs throwing themselves against the other side? Of course, I didn't really get a chance. I was trying to hang on to my dogs and talk above the snarling.

"These dogs bite!"
"Oh he jus' wanted to see the puppies"
"That's why I have signs up. That's why they're way back here."
"yew pregnant agin?!"
"Uh ... yes, and I need to get back in the house ... my other children ..."
"How many's this?"
"(None of your fucking business) Four ... and the others are in the house so I'll talk to you later" "yeah ... he loves puppies ... FOUR? Ain't you had enough? I had another one, y'know ..."
"How nice, well, see ya!"

So you can imagine my reaction yesterday when I heard my dogs start up again. I cringed. If they kept up they would wake my children (who were only half way though their naps).

Yep, there was someone out there. I could hear him/her shouting.

Shouting? What the hell? I heard Bitty Girl wake up and start crying. By the time I stepped, cursing into the hall, Tall Girl was awake as well. From my foyer/hall I could see straight through the parlour and out the front door (which was open - it was a gorgeous day) and there - sure as nature made pinheads who speed on dirt roads - was my neighbour.

She was standing in the middle of the road with a wagon containing her two small children and was YELLING my name at my house:

"Blee-ew! BLEE-EW!" (If you're not from the south, just try to imagine this one. If you are ... well then you know the one I'm trying for here.)

I just stood, gaping in the cool darkness of my foyer, hoping (belatedly) that she couldn't see me. No such luck.

"HEY!" she screams, "I dint mean t'wake you up!"

(You didn't wake me up, you genetically challenged moron, you woke up all of my children!)

Apparently the sheer spectacle of my being pregnant again prompted her to think that I'd be interested in cooing over her own latest spawn (a "bad surprise" according to her). What followed was a terse convo and an obligatory quick peek at her children (the two year old was listlessly sucking a bottle and the baby was filthy and grumpy in the sun). I have no idea if I managed to deter her, but I doubt it.

See, I don't even have to go to the Wal Mart. The weirdos come to me.