Something nasty in the woodshed

Did you know that the Wal Mart is full of weirdos? And I’m not counting myself here! I mean, I have seen some real gems. Tall girl and I had a Close Encounter of the Disturbing Kind just yesterday.

But first a bit about why she and I were out all by ourselves.

I like to take individual members of the hoard out, uh, individually so as to give us some one on one time. This works well with Boy who, in addition to being a more manageable 3 year old, was (albeit briefly) an only child. He used to go everywhere with me – to work, everything.

So took Tall Girl yesterday, as it was her turn, and she set about with great resolve to remind me that she is two. Continuously. Without ceasing.

Our errands began at the Tractor Supply where I walked around the store trailed by this very excited, piping, monologue:

“Whas dat? Whas dat, momma? Momma? Whas dat? What dat right dere, momma? Whas dat? Whas dat, momma? Right dere? Whas dat right dere, momma? Momma?"

As she picked up, fondled, handled, lifted, dragged and otherwise made physical contact with every single damned thing smaller than herself on all lower shelves.

I turned around at one point and she was struggling to lift a 20” chain saw down from the hooks it was on.

By the time we got through our next stop – the Dollar Tree – I was teetering on the brink of sanity and I’m convinced that my fellow shoppers were about to lynch me.

The Wal Mart was a good deal easier as I could plonk her in a cart. Except for a quick, harried trip to the loo (Whas dat momma? It’s toilet paper. Whas dat? It’s the toilet paper holder. Whas dat, momma, right dere? It’s my belly button - actually already knowing what a thing is has never hampered her questioning tirade) we were fine.

Then we spotted the weirdos.

There were the standard compliment of brainless twinkies in their night attire or clothing that didn’t fit them. I’ve even bitched about it to Danny over at Dad Gone Mad and will, frankly, never understand it. I mean, we saw two little girls ... well, 'little' is a misnomer ... I mean girls who were probably in the 9 to 11 year old range, just starting to look womanly, who were grossly overweight and stuffed into clothing that would shame Janet Jackson.

Where were their mothers?

Blobs of fat hanging out of skimpy tank tops and bursting zippers on miniskirts aren't attractive on adults but on pre-adolescent children? I wanted to gag.

Then I'm pretty sure we spotted an extra from The Grudge.

I was looking for Tylenol (2-pack Equate brand, thankyouverymuch) and this ... creature rounded the corner. She was bone thin, sallow skinned, and walked kind of hunched with this weird, scary smile on her pinched face. She looked like Gollum in clothing, clothing so filthy it looked greasy. Except she had hair. Lank, long, black hair that seemed to have been either combed through with Vaseline or not washed in, oh, Tall Girl's lifetime.

She was studying the cold remedies with great absorption and I actually had to snatch my cart out of her way or she would've just stumbled into it. She gave no indication that she'd seen me at all.

She's not the oddest I've spotted though.

The babies and I were awaiting Darling Hubby (he was perusing the new DVDs) and standing by the infant section one day over at the Posh Wal Mart in town. I saw this woman go by, though the baby clothes racks, and thought there was something weird about her. She looked perfectly normal: nice hair, slender, sundress type thing on, etc. But she kept stumbling into things. As I watched she ran into a rack, bounced off, owlishly studied another rackfull of clothes, then took off at an angle. She bumbled around the entire section like a slo-mo pinball , this strange, sad smile on her face, seemingly intent on buying something for a baby.

Who was she? Was she drunk? On drugs? I fretted to Darling Hubby when he arrived that maybe she actually had a baby, god, and I hoped had not left it in the car. Had she lost a baby? That made me very sad. Or had she just come back from a 3 martini lunch and was simply trying to pick up an obligatory baby shower gift for a co-worker?

I'll never know. I just hope she made it home OK.

As for Gollum Girl, I just hope I don't see her again. Or if I do, that she's had a bit of a scrub.

I seriously wonder if people go home and blog about having seen me?!