A new week, Monday

Well, I've made the critical error of sharing my frustrations over the phone calls with a few people. Some people's tones have grown distinctly chilly.

I seem unable to explain to folks that I really do appreciate the condolences and offers of assistance. These people are wonderful for thinking of me. I also don't mind fielding calls. I understand that everyone wants to know what's going on. It just can get a bit overwhelming.

*sigh*

We're all very stressed, and we're all very upset, and I know I have an obligation to be here for everybody. Please, anyone reading this who has my number, don't hesitate to ring me. I really mean that. All I ask is that you bear with me right now and remember that, not only am I worried sick about my dad and trying to be here for everyone and trying to get all the small stuff taken care of (like ringing the insurance people, etc), but I'm also trying to take care of my young family as well.


On a related note: Thank you everyone for your comments here on the blog. I appreciate the contact more than you know. It's nice to think that I have this invisible 'net' of humans to catch my thoughts.

Thank you so much.

----

I am so strung out. I'm not sleeping well and then every other day or so I make the 4 1/2 hour drive up to the hospital where my dad is. I walk down that chilly corridor and into the ICU, partially excited at seeing him and partially sick at having to see him like this.

The environment doesn't help. The hushed voices, that horrible smell (from what I assume is a disinfectant). I feel like the atmosphere clings to me when I leave. You know how when you've been in a smokers house, you get home and your hair and clothes smell like cigarette smoke? Well I feel like death is on me, like a contagion, and it's making me very nervous. I know it's a dumb feeling, but I can't help it.

----

I feel like I have an unhealthy obsession with all of this. Really, I think about this situation all day. I wonder if Kimberly suffered (I hope fervently not. I hope she never really even knew what happened.) I worry about Dad dying. I wonder what I'd do if he did. I worry about their animals at home. I know they wonder where their people are. I ponder how I will take care of Dad when he is recovering. I worry about his bills not getting paid right now. I'm frustrated by not being able to do more.

Sometimes I just feel like screaming and breaking things.

----

They had Dad in surgery today to do some repairs on his leg. They will have to do more surgery but are understandably waiting until he's stronger to do too much. They gave him 3 units of blood last night in anticipation of the operation today and when I phoned at mid-day they said he was out of the OR and doing as well as could be expected.

I'm going up there again tomorrow and so will have updates tomorrow night.