The gift of vent

So what's up with giving children gifts/rewards for everything?

I'm on a few 'due in June' boards and some moms are scrambling to buy/make gifts for the new baby's siblings. Many have purchased a gift for dad as well. (Is the baby not enough? Is my having to go about my normal routine - cooking, cleaning, working, wiping snotty noses - plus build an entire new human from scratch [and a half a strand of DNA] not sufficient display of my appreciation?) And why does big sister Brynkleigh need a gift ... remind me again? Is it not enough that she's getting a sibling, someone to be there for her the rest of her life, someone to lean on when I am gone? Is the pride of knowing that she has a new, important role - that of big sister - not reward enough?

But this doesn't feel like a reward, more like a guilt assuaging gift. It's as if folks are apologizing to the existing child for having another. "Oh I'm so sorry I'm doing this to you! I'm so sorry you'll have to learn the values of sharing and co-operation! I'm anguished that you'll no longer be the star prima-donna center-of-attention in the family! I'm so sorry I won't be able to buy you $6000 worth of christmas gifts that you'll fail to appreciate! It'll only be $3000 worth. Oh, my baby! Waaaaaah!"

This sensless reward motif is big in todays PC touchy-feely world. Kids take a gift to a birthday party and before they come home are given ... a gift to take home just for coming. What was the point? It smacks of a bribe to me. Not only will Jayson have a cake and games and a magician and a juggler and a pinata and ponies but his gift bags are FAB! I wanna go to his party, mom! Meanwhile Jayson's mom is preening herself over her incredible coup - ostentatious party and the best attendance! Ohhhh, touch her.

People actually give rewards to a child for toilet training. I'm all for whatever works, but this one's always baffled me. For oodles of generations now we humans have had to learn to poo in the appropriate place: outside the cave, behind the shed, in the outhouse, on the toilet. No one's considered this a gift-giving occasion until recently. You just practiced it until you got it right, making a few messes as you went, like when learning to use a spoon. Giving candy, stickers, and toys, again, smells like a bribe to me. I'm going to reward you for acting like a regular human should. Ohhh, that's a slippery slope there ...

The most offensive to me is the new structured sports craze. A group of kids 'participate in a sport' (as opposed to just playing together of their own volition). The law of averages says that some will be good, most so-so, and some will suck. Yet at the end of it all everyone gets a trophy.

What's the point of this? So that little Kade feels good about himself?

Look, I cringe at the thought of any of my precious babies having his feeling hurt by not getting a trophy, BUT I'd much rather it be that way. Why?

Because Life's Not Fair. Failure is a learning experience. If you teach your kids that they will get a reward no matter what their level of performance then they have no reason to try harder, to do better. If you teach them that they are reward-worthy for just showing up, then what happens in the real world? Just showing up doesn't cut it. You have to work at life, and sometimes it's bloody hard.

I'd rather my babies find that out now.

Plus, the understanding and acceptance that you're not so hot at one thing gives you the freedom to stop and try something else. Perhaps my Boy won't play football, but will be a great artist (and enjoy doing it), maybe Bitty Girl will never be a ballerina or sing but will be able to do math like nobody's business.

I'd brave any hurt that my babies have to go through right now to avoid the eventuality of my son, the artist, sitting on the bench at every high school football game because our 'don't damage their self-esteem' society never allowed him to fail.