Nicholas Robert Hill

Oh, I think I've done a bad thing.

I saw someone on one of my newsgroups wanted to trade a red-and-white Border Collie puppy and I couldn't stop myself. I emailed him/her.

I don't know what I'm thinking. I have 5 dogs. I'm usually soooo good at ignoring enticing adoptable animals that I don't need.

OK, I'm lying. I do know what came over me. The splintery-like-bits-of-glass pains of a broken heart.

I hope this doesn't offend any of you non dog lovers out there, but you see, my first son - my Number One Son - was a dog. He was an amber eyed, red and white Border Collie / Aussie cross and was born on April fool's day in 1992. I got my adopted dog son at a goat show - where exhibitors traditionally wear all white - and he wee'd all over the front of my shirt. I had to exhibit in all the classes with a big yellow stain over my heart, but it didn't matter. I was in love.

That stain must have sunk straight in because that dog was my light for the next 11 years. He guarded my home, helped me with the livestock, jumped in the shower with me when he needed a bath, rode shotgun when we drove anywhere.

When my Ex-Arsehole cheated on me and I threw him out, I remember vivdly how I could comprehend that he could leave me but I couldn't fathom how he could leave Nick.

When my first biological child was born, a son, I brought him in the house for the first time and straight over to Nicky who was unimpressed with the hairless pink puppy but allowed him to take up so much of Momma's time and love and let him - as the months passed - crawl on him, play with his toys, even taste his food.

He was always hale and hearty even as an older dog so it was shocking when one day his back just went out. Evil Genius Husband had been throwing for the dogs and Nick came in almost unable to use his hind legs. He'd ruptured a disk in his back I think the vet said. (I think Evil Genius Husband felt guilty about this although I tried to explain to him that it was going to happen if not that day then the next, if not while chasing a ball then while chasing a sheep). It was inevitable and they could try (very very expensive) surgery but seeing as he was elderly and the damage was severe ...

To my shame I was unable to even stay in the room when they put him down. My wonderful Husband had to do it. I couldn't apologise to him while simultaniously thanking him and weeping uncontrollbly.

I did bring Nick home though. And dig the grave by our back gate so he could watch over the comings and goings up to the barnyard. I felt so much like Laertes*. I wanted to gather him up in my arms one last time - like I did when he was a pup, small enough to wee on my shirt - but I refrained.

I don't believe in an afterlife and I know that many who do don't think that family pets will be there but if there is and they are I'll be happy. I'd give almost anything to hold Nicky close to my heart one more time. Just one more time.



*"Hold off the earth awhile, Till I have caught her once more in my arms." Laertes at Ophelia's grave in Hamlet.
Also (after Laertes jumps into his sister's grave):"Now pile your dust upon the quick and dead, Till of this fiat a mountain you have made, To o'er top old Pelion or the skyish head Of blue Olympus."
(The town right up the road from where we lived in Lexington was Pelion. Is that weird or what?)