Great expectations

Tell me what you think of this article.

It's about adding a second child to the family and while this particular article is pretty straightforward and calm, I'm having a bit of trouble grasping this concept. Why is it that there are so many articles and discussion board threads on the idea of having a second child? Since when has this become cause for dramatic psychological upheaval? What happened to make us think that having another child created a need for tense mental preparation?

A few generations ago no one broke out into a cold sweat at the addition of another child to a family. It was just a matter of course. I'm especially baffled at the hand-wringing angst that supposedly overcomes modern moms.

How will I find time for the older child? Time for what? Are you your child's primary playmate? Does she require your devoted attention every waking second? If so then there's a problem. A child should be her own person at least part of the day, able to entertain herself for short streches (depending on her age). A newborn spends the majority of the day sleeping. what's the problem? How does a coach find time for his team members? How does a teacher find time for her students? Answer: they simply do. Being right on top of a child 24/7 is NOT a requirement for raising sane and sensible kids.

How will I prepare the older child for a new sibling? Does he need to be prepared any more than the standard answering of his questions and matter-of-fact explainations of what's going to happen? It's not an impending natural disaster or alien invasion. It's just a sibling. I've
already blogged on the idea of feverishly handing out gifts. That smacks of guilty conscience to me as I've already said. Sort of a: "please, please don't be mad at mommy for having another baby!" Why can't the event be treated as just something that happens? "Brysin, you're going to be a big brother! I know you'll do a great job of sharing and co-operating!"

I think that parents who whip themselves into a frenzy over every little thing are doing a disservice to their children. Ever seen the mom in the pediatrician's office sitting there rigidly, fighting back tears, in anticipation of her baby getting a shot? She's devistated that her baby will have to suffer pain and she starts up the instant the needle comes out: "Oh baby it'll be ok, mommy's right here, just close your eyes and don't look at the nasty needle, waaaaaahhh!" She's frightening her child and possibly causing a life-long irrational fear of needles. Do you think all these grown people who are 'deathly afraid of shots' were born that way? NO! They sat on their mother's laps and watched mom tense up and wring her hands and cry when they got a shot.

I feel like these people who are making a huge drama out of adding another child to their family are doing the same thing.

A lot of life is a matter of expectation. If Billy really thinks he won't make the football team then he's shooting himself in the foot. He probably won't make it. If you really don't think that your boss is going to give you that pay rise then he probably won't. He'll read the resignation in your attitude and voice ... even in your posture.

Folks very often ask me why my Brood is so well behaved in stores and restaurants (and waiting rooms and doctor's offices). I reply because I expect them to be. I don't expect my kids to (or allow them to) run or scream in stores or drag things off shelves any more than I expect them to have a panic attack in the doctor's office. I certainly don't enjoy seeing my babies get those 3 or 4 big needles jabbed into their little legs any more than any mother when shot time comes. It makes me curl up inside. But I act calm and matter-of-fact and my children have no fear of the doctor's office and they recover with minimum fuss. I've seen mother child pairs weep dramatically all the way out the door after a single vaccination - not to mention the miniature hoodlums I've seen in stores.

I know some pretty cool, sane, and sensible moms from off of my various baby boards (and other blogs) and I'm not so sure all of this hysterical panic is as prevelant as some folks - and the media - make it out to be. I think us moms are capapable of making this transition with aplomb. Give us some credit!

(Edited to add: The second link has now been fixed. Sorry about that, ladies, and thank you Linda for giving me the head's up!)