Tuesday evening

We had a bad day.

They were inserting the epi when I arrived (and I was thrilled) and the doc said that they would try to extubate Dad while I was there. I was ecstatic. The nurse told me that she'd ring me when they got the tube out and ushered me unceremoniously out of the ICU.

I swear a dozen people rang my phone while I was waiting.

Every time I picked it up I'd be breathless, thinking it was the nurse. I appreciate the phone calls, don't get me wrong, but these folks probably now think that I'm on crack.

When I got to go in the ICU Dad looked ok. Semi-ok. He looked confused and stressed, but alert.

His first words were: "Let me get out of bed" followed by: "hurts like hell"

I tried to reassure him and told him that everyone had been coming by and that the grandchildren and his animals were alright. He never asked about Kimberly or about what happened (that I know of. He's v. v. hoarse and there were some things I just didn't understand).

He was alert but I'm not convinced that he really knew what was going on. I think he recognized me and knew that he knew me but I don't think that he knew who I was. At one point I think that he thought he was talking to Kimberly. I told him I loved him and he said: "I love you too, I love your whole family."

He was fine for about 10 minutes then his breathing got more laboured and he became less and less coherent. He was clearly in a lot of pain. He was taking quick, wet-sounding breaths and his oxygen level was falling. As a person who has very bad asthma, I can really identify. If you've never been unable to breathe you have no idea what it's like. It was horrible to watch my Dad like this. It was horrible to see that panicky look in his eyes.

They kicked me out again an re-intubated him while I waited in the hall.

The next thing will be a tracheostomy (sp?). They'll do this Thursday or Friday and Dad will have an appliance in his throat (with a tube through the hole) so that they can disconnect and re-connect the respirator without having to put that tube down his throat.

I'll blog more tomorrow. I'm wrung out.