(A two-pronged rant)
I've noticed that some mothers, as they get farther and farther away from their own experience in a particular phase of parenting, feel more and more strongly that they are experts on that segment of parenting and so are more willing to interfere with a mommy who's
experiencing that phase right now.
I call this "Blue's Rule of Parental Experience Proximity". Let me explain:
I have plenty of time on various mommy/baby/infertility/
TTC boards. I have had light
convos, intense discussions, and outright arguments with ladies all over the world on the subject of parenting. In addition, I know moms from other boards, plus the few I know
IRL.
Among them, I find the type of mom I'm talking about. Usually a mother who has kids the same age as mine is NOT liable to offer up unsolicited advice. If I'm talking about, say, potty training, most moms of toddlers/
pre-
schoolers give only sympathy unless I actually ASK for advice. The random one who just thrusts her opinion on people comes across as a right bitch.
Hold that thought.
I've noticed that the farther away from the trials of potty training (to use our example) some mothers are, the more willing they are to tell us current potty trainers how to do it.
The phenomenon culminates in the Grandmother. Not all Grandmothers are like this, but a tidy few are. How many Grans do
you know - either your own mother/MIL or total strangers - who have absolutely no problem elbowing mom out of the way to take over or making
snarky comments on how mom isn't doing something right?
Grandparents are also quick to trot out the excuses: "I have more experience than you." (so, rather than letting you find your own way and make your own mistakes, I'll just parent for you!) and "But we just love our
grandkids so much." (that we are willing to ignore your wishes and take over!)
Hold onto that thought as well.
My theory is further supported by those without kids. Have you ever noticed that it's your friend or co-worker who has never had kids who thinks she's a parenting expert? How many first-time-pregnant moms-to-be have you heard spout off loads of smug wisdom on how
mommying should be done? (I did it horribly before I had kids, did you? Makes me cringe to think of it.)
What's up with this?
Example #1: I just spent time with four moms. Two with kids the same age as mine, one with teenagers, and one with grown kids and
grandkids. The two younger moms never once did anything to or with my kids without asking. The middle mom helped out, but caught herself before doing or allowing big things. The last mom simply did as she wished, making me have to, literally, watch her like a hawk as she parented my children as she saw fit. When I came behind her and corrected things, she rolled her eyes, sighed dramatically, and, at one point actually threw up her hands and snapped: "Fine!"
Example #2: On the way back from our recent beach trip, we stopped at a restaurant (a rare treat) and were all sat down eating. Fiver was in his
carseat with his bottle (Yes, his bottle was propped. I confess it: I'm a Bottle
Propper. Ring
DSS. None of my breastfed children has EVER taken a bottle from me - they will from other people - and he's right on the cusp of being able to hold it himself).
Anyway, he was just playing with it as there was so much interesting Whisky Tango action (a blog for another day - hey it was
Orangeburg, SC), and we were all eating happily. Suddenly a little old woman
materialised at my shoulder, reached
into the
carseat, into my child's
face, snatched the bottle, and cried, loudly: "Is the baby supposed to be getting milk?! Is he getting any?! The bottle's slipped!"
Now, my 5-month-old Fiver weighs 22lbs. He's in the 95
th percentile for height and weight. All of my children are r
osy-cheeked, robust, and smiling (or were at that second ... until she showed up. Then they were transfixed, forks halfway to their mouths, staring in wonder, as was the
entire restaurant). He does
not look as if he misses any meals.
When I put my hand on her arm and murmured that he was fine, really, she laughed and said those magic words: "You know how us Grandmas are!"
Erm, maddening? Meddling?
Example #3 (and it's a biggie): There's this lady on one of my boards to whom I do not speak. We had a falling out one day (BTW, she is probably unaware of my ire, so smug is she in her opinion) over parenting. We were discussing public school's policies regarding children with food allergies.
My opinion is that schools should go to reasonable lengths to insure the
safety of kids with food allergies: separate eating area, no home-made treats brought to class, etc. I do NOT think , for example, that schools should disallow anyone bringing homemade lunches for their own consumption. This is a violation of the rights of the hundreds of other kids who attend that school. What's next? Banning any and all eating of peanut containing products at the
homes of teachers, staff, and other students? (Because, after all, someone could have peanut butter on his fingers when he arrives at class.) Do we need to forbid all other allergens as well? Wheat? Eggs? Where does it end?
These children have to survive in the real world. Forcing their school environment to conform so severely to their needs that it ignores everyone
else's rights is not helping them. The real world will not do this for them.
The mom on the board with whom I butted heads has a grandchild with peanut allergies and was outraged at my opinion. She implied that
she loved her grandchild more than I loved my children because she was more than willing to stomp on the rights of others on her grandchild's behalf and I was not.
Uhm, no, honey. Mommy Rule #1: do not ever, ever, ever suggest that you are a better parent or love your kids more because you parent them reasonably differently. I breastfeed, you don't: I'm a better mom? NO. You co-sleep, I don't: you love your kids more? NO. My oldest is 5 and yours is 35 so you're a better mother by default? Not
necessarily.
Is it just that this woman is obnoxious, or is it Blue's Rule of Parenting Experience Proximity? Or is it just me?
What's your opinion on others parenting your kids without asking (or offering unsolicited opinions thereon)? Is it
ASSvice/interference if it comes from a stranger/childless friend/co-worker but fine from aunts/moms/grands? Should someone with a vested interest in the child (like grandma) be allowed to parent a child with disregard to the mother's wishes and/or without her request (for instance, discipline, or allow mom-forbidden things) if she, in her superior experience thinks it's best?
Sound off moms and grandmoms!
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If you look closely, you can see the sea oat stalk bridges and flagpoles. Behind him is my 'encampment' - The cool wee tent is from Dr. Sister in Law who got it last year for Cousin Aye. I'm so glad she brought it, because we would have been lost without it. Fiver is asleep inside:
